Usually when I hit one of my "funks", I give myself 24 hours if I need it to just feel the feelings and then put my big girl panties on and move on. If there is a real problem/circumstance I allow 48 hours to sit on the pity pot before forcing myself back up. However, this time it hit me on Christmas Eve, and I decided that 24 hours was far too long to give up my joy because of mental battles I now know I can conquer. Because the truth is, there was a time when I lived in the pain/fear/sadness/depression for weeks and months at a time. I tried to bury the feelings in many ugly ways, but that only made it worse. Over the past 5 years I have learned successful ways to overcome this struggle, but it only works IF I decide to take action. It takes intention to make true change.
So this is merely a list of ways I can successfully beat my own personal demons, in hopes that some of them may help you, as well. Or at least to know that you are not alone when you lay in bed and cry even though everything around you is perfect, you are safe and loved, and the world isn't ending. As a wise friend once put it "I just wanted the world to slow down, so I could step off".
Today I fight my battles with depression on three fronts: mental, physical and emotional fronts. I can't usually explain what sends me in a drastic fall from Cloud 9 to the depths of depression, but these are the things that let me get back on even ground.
- Journaling. I start every page with "God please keep my hand honest" because the moment I start to lie to even myself, I am on a downward spiral to misery. I can't explain why writing everything down works, but for me, it does. And this isn't writing down wise or witty words in a blog for the world to see, my journal is for my eyes only and tucked away for protection. It gets ugly in there, but the results are beautiful.
- Praying/meditating. Both quiet my mind, and I find the simple difference to be that when I am praying, I'm doing the talking, and when I am meditating, I am doing the listening.
- Reading or listening to my personal/spiritual development books, lectures, talks, videos. I have acquired quite the collection at this point, but a few that I return to daily.
- Reaching out to my support groups. The people in my closest circle that know my darkest secrets, my manipulative tendencies and don't co-sign my BS but give me what I need to hear. I call, text, and get in my car to meet with the people that have helped me get to the wonderful place my life is today. This one may very well be the hardest to do on days my mind tells me I am nothing but a burden to my loved ones and the world, but I have found support groups that have proven themselves stronger than those feelings/thoughts.
- Exercise. Hard, intense exercise. Enough to get the sweat rolling, endorphins pumping and to tire myself out that my mind no longer has the energy to tell me dirty lil lies about myself and the world around me.
- Reaching out to help another human being. Sometimes it is as simple as a text where I ask someone else how they are doing, and refuse to talk about myself but only invest in THEIR best interest and well being. Sometimes it is reaching out to a charity, or a homeless person to spread love and get the focus of myself and my temporary insanity. This works best if I can reach out to someone that has absolutely nothing to offer me in return.
- Eating right. My body just feels better when it has good, healthy fuel and is functioning at its better rather than bogged down with grease and regret.
- Getting in nature. I shut off the headphones, and take in every sensation and beauty that is around me. This often goes hand in hand with exercise/praying/meditating.
- Gratitude list. I sit and make a list of every.single.thing. I am grateful for. I allow repeats, and I write until I have gained a better perspective on my current situations and the heaviness of hopelessness starts to lift. Sometimes I write 5 things and it works; other times it takes a few pages of gratitude.
The hardest part is that these are things I must do daily to keep my sails straight and resist the exhausting swings between mania and depression. I don't do every one, every day, but if I want to keep myself in a healthy place, I must do some of them on a day to day basis to maintain the happiness I have in my life.
I believe it was Tennessee Williams that said "if I got rid of my demons, I'd lose my angels too". I see where he was coming from, and I agree to a point. My lows are frightening and happen in a split second, and I wouldn't wish that place upon my worst enemy. My highs are the exact opposite, to a point that I cannot describe the blind bliss that comes with them; but those too can spiral out of control to a dangerous point that is destructive to my well-being. Today I prefer to live somewhere in the middle, perhaps where most of the world spends their entire lives, with normal happiness and normal sadness appropriate to the situation at hand.
Thank you all for being part of my life journey. Be well, be happy, and know that you never have to be alone if you are strong enough to reach out for help when you need it. I am here, and so are many others, I absolutely know this to be true <3
