Fighting (and winning!) emotional ups & downs...and may I dare use the word...depression.

This post will not be a tale of woes and sadness, because today I choose to live in a healthy solution rather than focusing on the problems. But I felt compelled to get honest and open up, because during the holidays I know I am not the only one that struggles with feelings less than jolly during Christmas. Although my mental health has improved drastically over the past few years, there are a few demons that seem to hide quietly, waiting for the opportune time to show rear their ugly little heads. 

Usually when I hit one of my "funks", I give myself 24 hours if I need it to just feel the feelings and then put my big girl panties on and move on. If there is a real problem/circumstance I allow 48 hours to sit on the pity pot before forcing myself back up. However, this time it hit me on Christmas Eve, and I decided that 24 hours was far too long to give up my joy because of mental battles I now know I can conquer. Because the truth is, there was a time when I lived  in the pain/fear/sadness/depression for weeks and months at a time. I tried to bury the feelings in many ugly ways, but that only made it worse. Over the past 5 years I have learned successful ways to overcome this struggle, but it only works IF I decide to take action. It takes intention to make true change. 

So this is merely a list of ways I can successfully beat my own personal demons, in hopes that some of them may help you, as well. Or at least to know that you are not alone when you lay in bed and cry even though everything around you is perfect, you are safe and loved, and the world isn't ending. As a wise friend once put it "I just wanted the world to slow down, so I could step off".

Today I fight my battles with depression on three fronts: mental, physical and emotional fronts. I can't usually explain what sends me in a drastic fall from Cloud 9 to the depths of depression, but these are the things that let me get back on even ground. 

• Journaling. I start every page with "God please keep my hand honest" because the moment I start to lie to even myself, I am on a downward spiral to misery. I can't explain why writing everything down works, but for me, it does. And this isn't writing down wise or witty words in a blog for the world to see, my journal is for my eyes only and tucked away for protection. It gets ugly in there, but the results are beautiful. 

• Praying/meditating. Both quiet my mind, and I find the simple difference to be that when I am praying, I'm doing the talking, and when I am meditating, I am doing the listening. 

• Reading or listening to my personal/spiritual development books, lectures, talks, videos. I have acquired quite the collection at this point, but a few that I return to daily. 

• Reaching out to my support groups. The people in my closest circle that know my darkest secrets, my manipulative tendencies and don't co-sign my BS but give me what I need to hear. I call, text, and get in my car to meet with the people that have helped me get to the wonderful place my life is today. This one may very well be the hardest to do on days my mind tells me I am nothing but a burden to my loved ones and the world, but I have found support groups that have proven themselves stronger than those feelings/thoughts. 

• Exercise. Hard, intense exercise. Enough to get the sweat rolling, endorphins pumping and to tire myself out that my mind no longer has the energy to tell me dirty lil lies about myself and the world around me. 

• Reaching out to help another human being. Sometimes it is as simple as a text where I ask someone else how they are doing, and refuse to talk about myself but only invest in THEIR best interest and well being. Sometimes it is reaching out to a charity, or a homeless person to spread love and get the focus of myself and my temporary insanity. This works best if I can reach out to someone that has absolutely nothing to offer me in return. 

• Eating right. My body just feels better when it has good, healthy fuel and is functioning at its better rather than bogged down with grease and regret. 

• Getting in nature. I shut off the headphones, and take in every sensation and beauty that is around me. This often goes hand in hand with exercise/praying/meditating. 

• Gratitude list. I sit and make a list of every.single.thing. I am grateful for. I allow repeats, and I write until I have gained a better perspective on my current situations and the heaviness of hopelessness starts to lift. Sometimes I write 5 things and it works; other times it takes a few pages of gratitude. 

The hardest part is that these are things I must do daily to keep my sails straight and resist the exhausting swings between mania and depression. I don't do every one, every day, but if I want to keep myself in a healthy place, I must do some of them on a day to day basis to maintain the happiness I have in my life. 

I believe it was Tennessee Williams that said "if I got rid of my demons, I'd lose my angels too". I see where he was coming from, and I agree to a point. My lows are frightening and happen in a split second, and I wouldn't wish that place upon my worst enemy. My highs are the exact opposite, to a point that I cannot describe the blind bliss that comes with them; but those too can spiral out of control to a dangerous point that is destructive to my well-being. Today I prefer to live somewhere in the middle, perhaps where most of the world spends their entire lives, with normal happiness and normal sadness appropriate to the situation at hand. 

Thank you all for being part of my life journey. Be well, be happy, and know that you never have to be alone if you are strong enough to reach out for help when you need it. I am here, and so are many others, I absolutely know this to be true <3

The woes of Traveling.. Which way will my heart go??

So traveling isn't JUST gorgeous adventure, sightseeing and exploring. There is a TON of time spent in uncertainty and chaos.

Now is one of those times...
My assignment ends next Friday. Where am I going next?? Texas... but without a job. Because the one I thought was set up got cancelled. And this is the norm: Constant change of plans.

So my dilemma: do I stay with my current company (which I love, love, love) and return to Wyoming in two weeks (leaving Brad and Archer behind)? Do I just take off 6 weeks from work and focus on friends and family for the holidays? Do I pick up some health home jobs and work near my "home town" to stay close to Brad and friends? Do I get a travel assignment somewhere in Southern Texas where I can see friends on the weekends? If I do that do I wait until 2016 so I don't get screwed on working holidays??

Being funemployed doesn't sound bad at all, and I have the money to do it. But it certainly isn't helping my financial long term goals...

If I want to go to Alaska next year for an assignment, I WILL have to leave my current company, so leaving now would be a step in the right direction. And although I know this is an amazing company, it is also the only company I have been with full time since I graduated, so what if there are other amazing companies out there? But this company has made this position up for me, has helped me grow so much as a therapist and as an adult, the thought of leaving tears at my heart strings.

Taking an assignment means I have to be at least 60 mile outside of our hometown to get any of the travel stipends/benefits... and they just aren't jumping out at me this time of year like they have previously to get me in a location I want.

Home health would be a good option so I can stay close and set my own schedule, etc. But it means PRN positions at multiple companies (most likely) so uncertain hours/pay for the next 6 months. Plus a big learning curve. But I like learning, I'm good at learning curves. And it's one setting that I don't currently have on my resume and would like experience in.

I keep thinking of my friend Kim and what she would say. I can see her flipping her hand "Just take the time girl, go visit family and have fun!!" This is the woman that always encouraged a good time, yet knew how to work her ass off. She's the one that convinced me to rent a fun car to go to a convention because life was too short too drive my 15 year old Camry and I deserved a good weekend. And with tears running down my face as I write this, I wish so bad that she was wrong about life being too short. The world will never be the same without Kim, but the lessons she taught me in the 3 short years I got to work and play with her will forever be with me.

So all of that being said... I know in my heart I want the time off. But it scares me and my head says it is stupid to not work and be putting money away, even for a few weeks when I am still able-bodied and willing.

So I don't know what will happen or where I will go. But things have been working out for me for 29 years so far... These are gold-plated problems. I am so excited to see what happens but thought it was only fair I share some of the downsides of traveling. Sometimes I wish that I desired consistency, but turmoil is what I'm comfortable with, my free spirit just isn't built for white picket fences and normal 9-5 jobs. As Jillian Michael loves to yell at me in her workouts: "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!!"

I would appreciate thoughts, though. Perhaps there isn't a perspective or option I have thought of? Comments seem to not be working great, I don't know if you have to have a Google+ account or something to leave comments? text me, call me, facebook me, or send a homing pigeon.

I let my thoughts ramble on with this song in the background...

xo

The First Snow in Wyoming!

So I am a little behind on updates, this magic snow fell the Tuesday before I left for a Cali vacation. It only rained/sleeted in town but all day at work I watched the snow fall on Casper Mountain, so of course I asked if Brad would drive us up (and he is great, so he said yes!)

When I pulled into the parking lot of our humble abode, Brad was out walking the dogs. The fur babies now recognize my car (mostly by sound) and came running to great me. I opened the door and Ani jumped right in, which she has never ever done! 

So Brad grabbed his jacket while I dog-proofed the car and Archer went for his first ride in Turbo to the mountain! Judging by this very blurry picture and his reaction, I think he likes the car! And Turbo got to go play in the snow for the first time :)

The snow was pretty slushy, but the first snow is magic, and we enjoyed spending some time in it!!

Even Brad was excited to see the snow!

This was already there, I could get used to the graffiti here in this town! 

Ani was running around, and although shivering, she enjoyed our outing! Archer ran around marking his territory, so in case you were wonder, he owns this snow! 

(The next day I had to explain to my 3 year old nephew why I couldn't bring him any snow, he was NOT impressed at my inability to transport snow so he could play in it!!)

All that running around sure is tiring....

Although I though I would be fighting snow the entire time I was here in Casper, I am now sad I haven't had more to play in, but am so grateful God gave me the opportunity on this day to play with my lil family in the magical snow on the mountain.

Camping At Miracle Mile

Last weekend, despite the temperature being 27 degrees, we finished packing up the truck at 5:00 am and drove out to the Miracle Mile on the North Platte River, Archer was pretty excited! The Miracle Mile is about 90 minutes from Casper and 60 miles (mostly dirt roads) away from any significant civilization. It is glorious in every way.

Upon arriving, we spent some time driving around looking for the perfect camping spot and fishing hole and promptly got out of the truck, into our fleece and waders and into the water for some fishing. After a good hour of not even having a bite, I got bored and decided to go take pictures of the beautiful scenery instead:

After running the dogs up and down the dirt road on my bike, Ani was tired enough to stay off leash around camp without running off (that's a first in the 3 years I've had her by my side) and boy was she stoked.

After a while, we set up the tent and I laid down for a well deserved nap (after just working 8 days straight at the hospital!). I woke up to Brad running up to camp yelling "Cheryl, wake up, I need your help for a minute!!". So expecting a bloody hand or missing phalanges, I jump out of the tent and he hands me a camera (which is also a 1st in the 3 years I have known this anti-picture man!). He may have gotten a stern speaking to about how to wake a person up and what a real emergency is, but.... it was a pretty big trout!!!

That evening I enjoyed a beautiful bike ride through the plains of Wyoming along the river, I let my breath escape me as I took in the sunset, I raced some deer across the road and then headed in for a steak dinner over the camp fire.

The next day we did some more fishing, I did some more napping. I went to visit the outhouse as duty sometimes calls, and when I tried to walk out, the DOOR WOULDN'T OPEN!!! Now it was no cheap, roll down the hill outhouse, look at this cement box of stinky death!

It was awful, I Started yelling for Brad out that tiny lil air hole near the ground, but the wind had picked up and he couldn't hear me. So I started kicking at the door, which was silly because the door open in. I scream some more for Brad and finally he came over to find out what was wrong. He couldn't budge the door with his hands or the credit card trick, and there were no obvious screws to take off the handle all together. I was no longer thinking this was funny. So Brad came back with a Hatchet, told me to cover my ears, and then... saved the day!! FREEDOM!!!

 Wyoming BLM... we do apologize and if you happen to see this post, we will gladly pay for the repair of the door but you may, in return, be billed for my psychological stress. 

We returned home that evening, and although a short trip without a large quantify of fish, it was another amazing weekend in the wilderness with the ones I love. 

The Grand Tetons and Beyond

As Autumn brings a chill to the air and changes the colors of the leaves, we decided it would be our last weekend to get a tolerable camping trip in before the Wyoming winter hits (eeek!!!) So we planed our route (all on paper maps, I'm learning!) and packed our bags. Way too many bags!! 

Then we got the doggies into their plush beds and headed out

The drive was long (5-6 hours) but beautiful, with the Aspens and their friends all turning colors that made the landscape look like it was on fire. 

Yes, that is snow in September!!

We did some diligent research and were able to drive through Teton National Park without paying an entrance fee :) The views were gorgeous but we were on our way a lil further out from civilization to camp in the backwoods. 

We stopped along the Snake River for lunch and let the dogs frolic in the frigid waters.  

Unfortunately, even about 20 mins down a forest service road out on BLM land, we still couldn't find anywhere isolated. It is hunting season up here in Wyoming and some 30 degree weather won't scare off these folks! But we found a nice campsite and set up camp along the Grey River. 

Once camp was set up, Brad set off to do some fishing while I layed down and napped in the hammock :) Does life get any better?!?

We slept warm and cozy in our beds, but this morning the sun stay hidden and we stayed bundled up until after breakfast. Once the sun broke through, the temperature shot back up to probably the low 80's, its crazy! 

Ani hates the cold

We enjoyed some coffee on the river, a hearty breakfast and then meandered back toward home, stopping at some fishing holes along the way that resembled a Bob Ross painting! I wish the pictures did it justice, perhaps I'll invest in a nicer camera one day... but probably not, some things are just better experienced than through a screen!

Fishing Day in Fremont Canyon, Wyoming

We headed out for another glorious early morning on the North Platte River. This time we headed down to a place called Fremont Canyon which I have been hearing about since we got here. I was not disappointed. In the middle of the high plains, the ground breaks away into an impressive canyon, known best by anglers and rock climbers.

We did some pretty decent climbing and hiking through a few areas to get down to the water so the waders were left behind. The weather did a swift swing from the low 50's when we got out there to the high 80's at noon by the time we left. Guess it's the beginning of Autumn here in Wyoming!! 

I experienced a couple fishing firsts today -caught my first brown trout and also set the hook on a fish that was big enough to break the line. I was able to land this gorgeous rainbow trout as well, one day maybe I'll figure out how to hold the fish so you can actually see it all and not look terrified in all the pictures;) 

Again, this is the guy responsible for helping me land the fish and getting the hooks safely out of the ones I caught. I love spending time with him in the wilderness, watching him come alive as he spends time in his natural element. His patience with me continues to amaze me. 

"From the Hills of Kaycee Wyoming..."

Those are words from a Garth Brooks song, a tribute to the late and great Chris Ledoux.

My first concert ever was Chris LeDoux, at the Cocky Bull in the great High Desert in California. I fell in love instantly with all things country. I was lucky enough to get to see this man several more times before he passed away around a decade ago. I wish I could produce the pictures (if there are any remaining) of me and this man. I was a 6 or 7 year old crazy blonde dancing and standing in line for his autograph.

He sang of rodeos and wide open spaces under the western sky, he rode broncos and lived the cowboy lifestyle. Chris lived in Kaycee, Wyoming on a ranch with his family and ever since I found that out I had decided Wyoming must be one hellva place! I decided way back when that at some point in my life, I wanted to live in Wyoming.

Sometimes we lose sight of out dreams, but God doesn't. Over the years I found myself in places were my priorities were a mess, my life and spirit were a mess and I had no idea what I truly wanted in life. For so long I wanted to be at the beach, and I was blessed enough to live there. As I got my life and head cleared out, the desires of my heart started to surface again...

Several years ago on a roadtrip to move to Michigan for a summer, my mother and I added a couple of hours to our trip so we could spend a few hours in Cheyene, WY and I could at least say I had been to Wyoming. I bought this little plastic horse and have had it in my car ever since as a memento from a bonding experience with my mom, and a the blessing of going to Wyoming unexpectedly.

Fast forward to today... I am now living in Wyoming during the best months of the year and only an hour from the town of Kaycee. It's things like this that make me just stand in amazement of the good things that come into my life when I am living right.

So today we went and wandered around Kaycee. It took all of 2 hours to explore this small town (population 261) including eating lunch at 1 of 2 restaurants, wandering the museum and Chris LeDoux park. There is very limited healthcare in this town, including a doctor and a nurse that each come into town just one day a week.

I always think I want to live in a place to sparsely populated, until I sit down and eavesdrop on the local conversations. I either need to be in a city or live so far off grid there is no one else to know my business or pester me.

Anyhow, here are the pictures. It may not seem like much to you, but to me this day signified so much, and flooded me with memories (good and bad) from a childhood that molded me into the woman I am today.

Post Script: I cannot find a youtube link for Garth Brooks' song "Good Ride, Cowboy", but if you get your hands on a copy, enjoy the tunes. Enjoy the tale of one of the good guys, true to his roots. Thanks for the memories and the dreams, Chris.

Me and Chris LeDoux

The original jail of Kaycee

The original schoolhouse

Is this a joke!?!?