2 weeks to go on this assignment...

The end of an assignment always brings the temptation to lose focus on the job you are at and look too far ahead to the next job. I knew I would be fighting this as soon as I woke up and my head was already away from Uvalde, Texas this morning. So I said a prayer, did my power hour (devotions, business, research, reading), walked the dog twice, chugged some coffee after my shower and hit the pavement in my mobile office.

The day went fantastic from 8-4:00, because my patients were kind, motivated, and ready to work hard. Then... I got back into cell phone service as well as service on my laptop. These next two weeks are going to be so far from fun, my teeth hurt from grinding them just thinking about it. But I vow to give each and every patient the care they deserve while I am here, and set them up with a game plan for once I leave (there is not yet a replacement for me). So today was 10 hours, 191 miles driven, the rest of the week looks to be all uphill until Friday.

But the next assignment! so... there is a job offer in Alaska. It is not the location I have dreamed up, and the thought of all the tourists makes me cringe already, but it is ALASKA!!! Ketchikan, Alaska to be exact. It is in the SE portion of Alaska, meaning there will be no living out in the bush and escaping human contact in the dead of winter (as it barely snows and mostly just rains non-stop year-round), but what it does mean is that we can actually get there in April! All of the other jobs we have looked at would be nearly impossible to physically get ourselves, our doggies and a vehicle too. The ferries are on a limited schedule until May, Brad is currently banned from the entire country of Canada, and the transport ferries that are running with availability for vehicles would run close to $5k factoring in our plane tickets and hotels while we wait for said vehicle to arrive. It also means that we are a couple thousand miles closer to the mainland of Alaska and all of its splendor.

So now that we can get to this location, our current dilemmas are as follows: we need to sell two vehicles (while I owe more on mine that it is being appraised at, as there is no blue book out for 2016 used vehicles yet...), we need to buy a bigger truck, downsize everything we own again to fit in said truck and then get to Bellingham, Washington by April 8th.  Also on the to-do list: finish paperwork for new company, which means i need to find a doctor to give me a physical, file taxes, & get both dogs rabies shots and 'declarations of health' no more than 30 days prior to April 8th. Oh, and finding housing. Finding housing in one of the top summer destinations, which also houses a Coast Guard base and all of the employees for said tourist season is daunting and so far, frustrating. There are some beautiful beach front homes with availability, but $6500/month is a little out of our budget. Most other furnished places have already been booked throughout the summer by tourists and most non-furnished places want at least a year lease.Upside: Brad should be able to get a decent job in the tourist sector.

 I also must pack up everything I own and move out of my place by March 12 or 13th, get back to New Braunfels and re-plan my trip to California to see my dearests since the trip I just booked probably won't fit in this new time frame.  

I won't consider signing the contract until we get a few more of the logistics ironed out, but my heart is happy knowing it may happen. It may not be what I had planned in my manic head (Kenai Peninsula), but if there is one thing I have learned, my dreams often let me down because I don't dream quite big enough...

Camping at Guadalupe State Park

Being back in Texas has allowed us to spend more time with loved ones, including Brad's family. One of our goals was to go camping with Brad's sister and brother in law. The challenges to making this happen included conflicting work schedules, 4 dogs to bring and living in three different locations spread 3-4 hours apart. 

After picking a weekend, we spent another week or two searching maps for campground that allowed dogs, had river access and was between all of us. That brought us to a wonderful state park that none of us had visited previously, Guadalupe State Park. We would have preferred to pick a place in the wilderness off to the side of the road where we could pitch our tents and dip our fishing poles, but free access along the Guadalupe is nearly obsolete these days. 

We were able to get spots in the "primitive camping" area which consisted of 9 walk-in campsites. We got two that neighboring sites and camp went up. Expecting over night temperatures to drop into the low 30's, Brad rigged us up what I call the 'homeless tent', using old blankets for insulation underneath the rain fly. 

Seriously, it isn't good looking, but it does help with insulation! A few minutes later we realize that the pump for our air mattress is NOT in the bag. So we blow up a queen size air mattress with all the hot air we could muster up. A couple hours later, some light head spins and numb lips, and we got the job done. ((Sadly, as the hot air cooled over night, we lost a lot of the firmness in the mattress)). 

Eventually camp got set up, and the fun really began. We stayed for two nights, while Amy and Adam were only able to stay with us on Friday. We did some walking around the park, fishing in the river, naps in the grass and had lots of good eatin's. 

The tent looks significantly better with the rain fly on, doesn't it?!

The beef jerky got Brad a lot of attention

Adam, Amy and their furry babies

The day time temperatures were chilly but warm sun shining, night temperatures were cold, but we had such a glorious time exploring a new park and building our relationships with family. Maybe one day I will remember to get all four of us in a picture!

The emotional toll of being an emphatic health care provider.

My day didn't start well from the beginning. I got an upsetting email from a therapist I don't respect. I don't respect him because he is another traveling therapist and in my one and only conversation with him he said "There is no loyalty with traveling therapists, we aren't good people, we only do it for the money". It made me sick. It made me want to reach through my cellular device and take his PT license and then sucker punch him in the face. I don't do this for the money (though I am grateful for the 'raise'). I am a therapist to improve people's lives. I travel because adventure and travel are the deepest desires of my heart, and I have been blessed enough, and worked hard enough, to combine these two passions.

But back to the email... it is in a reference to one of his patient's I will be seeing. The patient is a survivor of a massive stroke, who was working full time prior to the stroke and has much of his life ahead of him. The therapist wrote: "He doesn't understand that his left upper extremity function will not improve". WRONG. It was improving, it can continue to improve and how dare you smash this man's hope?!?! He survived a stroke, is tough as nails (he literally built his entire house himself, nail by nail, zero outside help) and there is no reason he can't continue to improve.

Next, I find out one of my patients has requested another therapist. Ouch. I think it's the third time in my career I have gotten this request so directly.  She is angry I had her walk outside last week. I had her walk outside because on one Day 1 of therapy,  her daughter made it quite clear they all wanted her to be able to walk in the yard again. I tucked that little nugget of information in my brain, and once this woman was strong enough to give it a go, we did, and it was glorious (or so I thought...). I also don't speak fantastic Spanish, and although she speaks fluent English, this frustrates her to no end. Well, my dear patient.... I drive over 50 miles to treat you & help you get better, I will always give 100% of what I've got, and I am the ONLY therapist in your city, so take it or leave it.

My next patient's spouse hands me a card. It is one of those hand written notes that brings tears to my eyes and yet makes me wonder how I can touch one life so positively and yet the above patient wants me out her life forever. Here is the card, so I may never forget it:

After working 9 hours already and driving a total of 193 miles today, I arrive at my last patient's house. I have never met this woman or her husband before in my life. As I am trying to leave and get home to my dog, my couch and my sanity, her husband stops me and starts showing me his medals and pictures from WWII. The least I can do for this man who served our country is sit for 5 minutes and go over some memories with him. Things took a drastic and horrifying turn when the pictures were suddenly of dead bodies and men he had killed during war. I have NEVER been so caught off guard and speechless. I couldn't turn away, not even when he began to tell me how they killed the men. WTF, sir, WTF. 

I can't even stomach going duck hunting because it breaks my heart and makes me too sad. Those images are now engraved in my memory and I'm praying they don't appear as night terrors. 

So there we go. 10 hours, 200 miles and a day that I couldn't be more happy to bid adieu to. 

I am tired, I am sad, I am frustrated, I am angry... yet I sit here holding that hand written card to remind me why I do this, day in and day out. 

Please love on your healthcare workers, it isn't an easy job, and most of us really don't do it for the money (which goes straight to pay off our student loans anyhow). 

xo

Scotchman's Peak Day Hike

While I was living in Idaho last spring, I took one of the most amazing hikes I have ever been on. It was highly recommended so I piggy backed onto my friend Monica's trip for the day.

We were warned that this was a very intense hike, and it was 7-8 miles out and back (depending on who we asked and the website we looked at). The hike was to Scotchman's Peak and near Clark Fork, Idaho. It also raises 3,700 feet in elevation in those first four miles... There were a few blogs and websites that listed this hike as "moderate", and maybe it is in comparison to Mt. Everest. Otherwise, this hike required me to dig deeper than I had in a long while! I have done some hard day hikes, and I am in pretty good shape, but at 1.5 miles into this hike as we climbed in elevation, I literally thought "I'm not sure I can do this for 2 more miles..." But I did, and it was worth it (as always, right?)

First pointer if you are ever interested in doing this hike: Follow the directions you find online (I can try to find the directions we used and post them here in the future....sometime) and just KEEP DRIVING. The trail head was a lot further than I thought it would! And actually, when we went in Spring, we had one water crossing we couldn't safely drive over, so had about 1/4 mile walk to get to the trail head, and it was not very well marked like I had hoped.

Second pointer, this hike is not accessible during the winter months with heavy snowfall! Don't be a hero, wait til the thaw comes.

For our hike, we started off without any snow, and a couple miles in we had to literally climb on our hands and knees through ice/snow up steep parts (while trying to stay somewhat near the actual trail). So next pointer: dress in layers. Between working up a sweat, climbing in elevation and the light rain fall we had, we were constantly stopping to adjust.

As we got to the peak, we were blown away by the views we got to share together.

But, our FAVORITE part of reaching the summit...was when the mountain goats came to greet us and hang out. It was incredible and the perfect completion of our hike to Scotchman's Peak!

I hope you get to enjoy the sights, muscle burn, smiles and beauty that is Scothman's Peak.

Fighting (and winning!) emotional ups & downs...and may I dare use the word...depression.

This post will not be a tale of woes and sadness, because today I choose to live in a healthy solution rather than focusing on the problems. But I felt compelled to get honest and open up, because during the holidays I know I am not the only one that struggles with feelings less than jolly during Christmas. Although my mental health has improved drastically over the past few years, there are a few demons that seem to hide quietly, waiting for the opportune time to show rear their ugly little heads. 

Usually when I hit one of my "funks", I give myself 24 hours if I need it to just feel the feelings and then put my big girl panties on and move on. If there is a real problem/circumstance I allow 48 hours to sit on the pity pot before forcing myself back up. However, this time it hit me on Christmas Eve, and I decided that 24 hours was far too long to give up my joy because of mental battles I now know I can conquer. Because the truth is, there was a time when I lived  in the pain/fear/sadness/depression for weeks and months at a time. I tried to bury the feelings in many ugly ways, but that only made it worse. Over the past 5 years I have learned successful ways to overcome this struggle, but it only works IF I decide to take action. It takes intention to make true change. 

So this is merely a list of ways I can successfully beat my own personal demons, in hopes that some of them may help you, as well. Or at least to know that you are not alone when you lay in bed and cry even though everything around you is perfect, you are safe and loved, and the world isn't ending. As a wise friend once put it "I just wanted the world to slow down, so I could step off".

Today I fight my battles with depression on three fronts: mental, physical and emotional fronts. I can't usually explain what sends me in a drastic fall from Cloud 9 to the depths of depression, but these are the things that let me get back on even ground. 

• Journaling. I start every page with "God please keep my hand honest" because the moment I start to lie to even myself, I am on a downward spiral to misery. I can't explain why writing everything down works, but for me, it does. And this isn't writing down wise or witty words in a blog for the world to see, my journal is for my eyes only and tucked away for protection. It gets ugly in there, but the results are beautiful. 

• Praying/meditating. Both quiet my mind, and I find the simple difference to be that when I am praying, I'm doing the talking, and when I am meditating, I am doing the listening. 

• Reading or listening to my personal/spiritual development books, lectures, talks, videos. I have acquired quite the collection at this point, but a few that I return to daily. 

• Reaching out to my support groups. The people in my closest circle that know my darkest secrets, my manipulative tendencies and don't co-sign my BS but give me what I need to hear. I call, text, and get in my car to meet with the people that have helped me get to the wonderful place my life is today. This one may very well be the hardest to do on days my mind tells me I am nothing but a burden to my loved ones and the world, but I have found support groups that have proven themselves stronger than those feelings/thoughts. 

• Exercise. Hard, intense exercise. Enough to get the sweat rolling, endorphins pumping and to tire myself out that my mind no longer has the energy to tell me dirty lil lies about myself and the world around me. 

• Reaching out to help another human being. Sometimes it is as simple as a text where I ask someone else how they are doing, and refuse to talk about myself but only invest in THEIR best interest and well being. Sometimes it is reaching out to a charity, or a homeless person to spread love and get the focus of myself and my temporary insanity. This works best if I can reach out to someone that has absolutely nothing to offer me in return. 

• Eating right. My body just feels better when it has good, healthy fuel and is functioning at its better rather than bogged down with grease and regret. 

• Getting in nature. I shut off the headphones, and take in every sensation and beauty that is around me. This often goes hand in hand with exercise/praying/meditating. 

• Gratitude list. I sit and make a list of every.single.thing. I am grateful for. I allow repeats, and I write until I have gained a better perspective on my current situations and the heaviness of hopelessness starts to lift. Sometimes I write 5 things and it works; other times it takes a few pages of gratitude. 

The hardest part is that these are things I must do daily to keep my sails straight and resist the exhausting swings between mania and depression. I don't do every one, every day, but if I want to keep myself in a healthy place, I must do some of them on a day to day basis to maintain the happiness I have in my life. 

I believe it was Tennessee Williams that said "if I got rid of my demons, I'd lose my angels too". I see where he was coming from, and I agree to a point. My lows are frightening and happen in a split second, and I wouldn't wish that place upon my worst enemy. My highs are the exact opposite, to a point that I cannot describe the blind bliss that comes with them; but those too can spiral out of control to a dangerous point that is destructive to my well-being. Today I prefer to live somewhere in the middle, perhaps where most of the world spends their entire lives, with normal happiness and normal sadness appropriate to the situation at hand. 

Thank you all for being part of my life journey. Be well, be happy, and know that you never have to be alone if you are strong enough to reach out for help when you need it. I am here, and so are many others, I absolutely know this to be true <3

The woes of Traveling.. Which way will my heart go??

So traveling isn't JUST gorgeous adventure, sightseeing and exploring. There is a TON of time spent in uncertainty and chaos.

Now is one of those times...
My assignment ends next Friday. Where am I going next?? Texas... but without a job. Because the one I thought was set up got cancelled. And this is the norm: Constant change of plans.

So my dilemma: do I stay with my current company (which I love, love, love) and return to Wyoming in two weeks (leaving Brad and Archer behind)? Do I just take off 6 weeks from work and focus on friends and family for the holidays? Do I pick up some health home jobs and work near my "home town" to stay close to Brad and friends? Do I get a travel assignment somewhere in Southern Texas where I can see friends on the weekends? If I do that do I wait until 2016 so I don't get screwed on working holidays??

Being funemployed doesn't sound bad at all, and I have the money to do it. But it certainly isn't helping my financial long term goals...

If I want to go to Alaska next year for an assignment, I WILL have to leave my current company, so leaving now would be a step in the right direction. And although I know this is an amazing company, it is also the only company I have been with full time since I graduated, so what if there are other amazing companies out there? But this company has made this position up for me, has helped me grow so much as a therapist and as an adult, the thought of leaving tears at my heart strings.

Taking an assignment means I have to be at least 60 mile outside of our hometown to get any of the travel stipends/benefits... and they just aren't jumping out at me this time of year like they have previously to get me in a location I want.

Home health would be a good option so I can stay close and set my own schedule, etc. But it means PRN positions at multiple companies (most likely) so uncertain hours/pay for the next 6 months. Plus a big learning curve. But I like learning, I'm good at learning curves. And it's one setting that I don't currently have on my resume and would like experience in.

I keep thinking of my friend Kim and what she would say. I can see her flipping her hand "Just take the time girl, go visit family and have fun!!" This is the woman that always encouraged a good time, yet knew how to work her ass off. She's the one that convinced me to rent a fun car to go to a convention because life was too short too drive my 15 year old Camry and I deserved a good weekend. And with tears running down my face as I write this, I wish so bad that she was wrong about life being too short. The world will never be the same without Kim, but the lessons she taught me in the 3 short years I got to work and play with her will forever be with me.

So all of that being said... I know in my heart I want the time off. But it scares me and my head says it is stupid to not work and be putting money away, even for a few weeks when I am still able-bodied and willing.

So I don't know what will happen or where I will go. But things have been working out for me for 29 years so far... These are gold-plated problems. I am so excited to see what happens but thought it was only fair I share some of the downsides of traveling. Sometimes I wish that I desired consistency, but turmoil is what I'm comfortable with, my free spirit just isn't built for white picket fences and normal 9-5 jobs. As Jillian Michael loves to yell at me in her workouts: "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!!"

I would appreciate thoughts, though. Perhaps there isn't a perspective or option I have thought of? Comments seem to not be working great, I don't know if you have to have a Google+ account or something to leave comments? text me, call me, facebook me, or send a homing pigeon.

I let my thoughts ramble on with this song in the background...

xo

The First Snow in Wyoming!

So I am a little behind on updates, this magic snow fell the Tuesday before I left for a Cali vacation. It only rained/sleeted in town but all day at work I watched the snow fall on Casper Mountain, so of course I asked if Brad would drive us up (and he is great, so he said yes!)

When I pulled into the parking lot of our humble abode, Brad was out walking the dogs. The fur babies now recognize my car (mostly by sound) and came running to great me. I opened the door and Ani jumped right in, which she has never ever done! 

So Brad grabbed his jacket while I dog-proofed the car and Archer went for his first ride in Turbo to the mountain! Judging by this very blurry picture and his reaction, I think he likes the car! And Turbo got to go play in the snow for the first time :)

The snow was pretty slushy, but the first snow is magic, and we enjoyed spending some time in it!!

Even Brad was excited to see the snow!

This was already there, I could get used to the graffiti here in this town! 

Ani was running around, and although shivering, she enjoyed our outing! Archer ran around marking his territory, so in case you were wonder, he owns this snow! 

(The next day I had to explain to my 3 year old nephew why I couldn't bring him any snow, he was NOT impressed at my inability to transport snow so he could play in it!!)

All that running around sure is tiring....

Although I though I would be fighting snow the entire time I was here in Casper, I am now sad I haven't had more to play in, but am so grateful God gave me the opportunity on this day to play with my lil family in the magical snow on the mountain.